According to analytic theorist Erik Erikson preschoolers struggle to resolve the emotional conflict of initiative verses guilt. Children this age are still very ego-centric, and are developing a sense of self but are also developing an understanding that they are a part of a larger society (K. Berger: The Developing Person, 3^rd ed.). During this time children are full of energy and enthusiasm for purposeful work. When they are successful and/or their efforts are met with encouraging words from the adults in their lives they become more confident for the next attempt. Conversely, when they are unsuccessful and/or are criticized they struggle with feelings of guilt and are less likely to want to try again. Giving children tasks that are important and meaningful allows them the opportunity to build confidence as well as develop new skills.

            Karin Klein, Administrator of Red Hill preschool in PA says that, “Every child who carries some consistent responsibilities around the house gains from the experience. The child who has jobs to do feels fore a part of the family. He feels important, even competent, and yes, bigger. Responsibilities help a child gain independence and self-reliance by learning to do a job and taking credit for it.” In fact studies have shown that taking on responsibility as a young child will help with success in later years. French scientist, M. Joussemet published one such study in the October 2005 issue of the Journal of Personality. In this study Joussemet measured the level of responsibility and autonomy given to 5 year olds by their mothers and the results showed that the children who were given more responsibility and autonomy were better adjusted 3 years later regardless of their socio-economic status, gender, or IQ and the children whose mothers supported their autonomy performed better on reading achievement tests. Joussemet also went on to state that the study showed that praise and rewards had no associative effect on adjustment in later years.

            You can see that giving a child meaningful work has many positive rewards, but a child’s enthusiasm may wane as time goes on so it is a good idea to follow a few simple guidelines:

• Always be encouraging…don’t criticize.
• Work with them until they have learned the necessary skills to be successful at the chore.
• Model positive behaviors.
• Talk with children about the chores and allow them to give feedback.
• Allow for natural and logical consequences: if they don’t put their toys away, they aren’t allowed to play with them the next time they want to.
• No lectures or threats
• Be consistent, children don’t do well when parents are indecisive
• Remember you are the parent and the one in charge.

Alfie Kohn, author of Punished by Rewards and Unconditional Parenting  says;

“Good Job” is a remnant of an approach to psychology that reduces all of human life to behaviors that can be seen and measured. Unfortunately, this ignores the thoughts, feelings, and values that lie behind behaviors. For example, a child may share a snack with a friend as a way of attracting praise or a way a making sure the other child has enough to eat. Praise for sharing ignores these different motives. Worse, it actually promotes the less desirable motive by making children more likely to fish for praise in the future.

What kids…need is unconditional support, love with no strings attached. That’s not just different from praise—it’s the opposite of praise. ‘Good job’ is conditional. It means we’re offering attention and acknowledgement and approval for jumping through our hoops.

But the real problem isn’t that children expect to be praised…It’s that we’re tempted to take shortcuts, to manipulate kids with rewards instead of explaining and helping them to develop needed skills and good values.

So, what’s the alternative? That depends on the situation, but whatever we decide to say instead has to be offered in the context of genuine affection and love for who kids are rather than for what they’ve done. When unconditional support is present, ‘good job’ isn’t necessary; when it’s absent, ‘good job’ won’t help.”

~Alfie Kohn

I have to confess I am a former “good Job”er, but I began reading some of this research while in college and I had to admit that it made sense. So at Wellspring we simply say thank you to a child for the work they do. It’s simple…it’s respectful. Our goal is to help develop good morals and important skills needed so that children are prepared for future educational success and to equip them to fulfill God’s purpose in their lives.  After all that is the best way to achieve a positive self-worth!

I came upon this short essay by Clarissa Pinkola-Estes.  She speaks so eloquently of what we each must remember and try to do.                               

Do Not Lose Heart      

   Ours is not the task of fixing the entire world all at once, but of stretching out to mend the part of the world that is within our reach. Any small, calm thing that one soul can do to help another soul, to assist some portion of this poor suffering world, will help immensely. It is not given to us to know which acts or by whom, will cause the critical mass to tip toward an enduring good. What is needed for dramatic change is an accumulation of acts, adding, adding to, adding more, continuing. We know that it does not take “everyone on Earth” to bring justice and peace, but only a small, determined group who will not give up during the first, second, or hundredth gale.                                 One of the most calming and powerful actions you can do to intervene in a stormy world is to stand up and show your soul. Soul on deck shines like gold in dark times. The light of the soul throws sparks, can send up flares, builds signal fires, causes proper matters to catch fire. To display the lantern of soul in shadowy times like these—to be fierce and to show mercy toward others, both are acts of immense bravery and great necessity. Struggling souls catch light from other souls who are fully lit and willing to show it. If you would help to calm the tumult, this is one of the strongest things you can do.

My prayer is that we would not be afraid to show our souls and make a positive difference in these difficult times. May this day…week…year be filled with our bravery! Show your soul!

Blessings!   Susan

May the Lord bless you and keep you;

May the Lord make His face shine upon you and be gracious to you;

May the Lord lift His countenance upon you, and give you peace.

~Numbers 6:24-26