Wellspring Children's Center

Raising Amazing Boys

admin — Thu, 29 Mar 2012 23:21:51 +0000

Two 4 years old girls decide to play cars. First, each one picks out her cars, then some time is spent as they talk about which ones will be the mommy cars and which will be the baby cars. Next they decide they need to make a house for the cars. So, taking the bin of Duplo blocks off the shelf, they begin to build while talking about what the mommies are going to do. After they have completed the house they put their baby cars to bed. This whole process takes about 30 minutes and not once did they actually run the cars along the floor or make noises even remotely sounding like a car.
A group of 4 year old boys decide to play cars. They dump the basket of cars on the floor each grabbing their favorites quickly. Next, they begin to push the cars along the floor, the table, each other, any available surface making load car sounds. Running their cars into each other they simulate crashes, which are usually accompanied by more loud noises. This lasts a few minutes before they are off to do something else leaving the cars behind.
No, there’s nothing wrong with your child! This is normal behavior for both boys and girls. Since girls’ brains develop from the front (the thinking part) to the back (the doing part) they naturally spend more time talking things out, while boys’ brains, which develop from back (doing) to front (thinking) are more apt to jump right into driving their cars. This explains a lot and can really help us understand what normal behavior looks like and why boys and girls will play so differently, even with the same toy. Boys and girls are different – from the inside out. Of course, there will be some exceptions to this rule but generally speaking this applies.
You may also have noticed that compared to girls, the boys in your life need more room to play, use higher levels of energy when they play and use louder noises in their play. This is not because boys are unkind or (as it may seem at times) just trying to annoy you. This is because – put simply – they need it; it’s where they are in the developmental spectrum and it’s how they are made.
While all children need rough and tumble play – often called roughhousing – boys especially need ample opportunity for this. Roughhousing allows boys a safe setting to negotiate power, learn cause and effect, establish and follow rules including those for taking turns, and to learn give and take. It also helps in building relationships, develops gross motor skills, strengthens muscles, and nourishes their sensory systems. In fact, according to Anthony DeBenedet and Lawrence Cohen in their book The Art of Roughhousing, it can even make kids smarter! They go on to tell us that when children are roughhousing a chemical in the brain called brain derived neurotrophic factor (BDFN) is released. “BDFN is like fertilizer for our brains. It helps stimulate neuron growth within the cortex and hippocampus, both of which are vital to higher learning, memory, and advanced behavior such as language and logic.” Good stuff for sure! (The Art of Roughhousing: Anthony T. DeBenedet, M.D. and Lawrence J. Cohen, PH.D., Quirk Books 2010)
We need to provide boys safe places where they can establish personal power. Dan Hodges wrote in his book, Boys, that “personal power is not based on dominance over others. It is an ability to make choices and produce results. It is a skill that is used with and for others. It is based on a sense of self-worth. When we fail to provide boys with safe opportunities to develop personal power, they may respond by creating conflicts and chaos”…in order to gain personal power. (BOYS: Daniel J Hodge, 2009)
So, what can we do to encourage constructive healthy boy behavior?
First of all, begin with an understanding of what normal behavior in your son look
like. A healthy and happy boy is often loud, lively, rascally, and disagreeable.
Knowing this, the second thing to do is provide space and time for him to just be a boy…let him spend his energy to exhaustion.
Respect his space and play with him only if he welcomes you into his space, otherwise, be close by to observe and help when needed.
Head to the park with him and some friends where they can kick the ball around, get rough, establish their own rules and have some fun. Most children don’t consider organized sports as play so provide plenty of unstructured play time as well.
Provide him with capes. Good for super hero play
Keep a supply of water noodles (cut in half) on hand to use as swords so he can be a warrior or a super hero or a pirate.
Provide space where he can climb to the moon or dig to China.
Set out a variety of building materials, parts and pieces like rain gutters, pvc pipes, boards of varying sizes, cardboard boxes, paint brushes and buckets, old pot lids (which make great shields for sword fighting) and pots (which make great helmets), plastic and galvanized tubs and short ladders. This is a good start and most of it can be found around your house or at yard sales and thrift stores.
Give him access to water so he can dig moats, make lakes and rivers, build dams and generally just wallow in the mud. Truly, it won’t hurt him but it will help him to build important skills necessary for adulthood.
And last, but equally important, limit his time on the television and computers (this includes games on your IPAD or phone).
We need to have confidence that the ways in which boys think and play, grow and learn are OK, because they are. Actually they’re perfect…different from girls for sure but absolutely perfect for boys. All we who love and care for them need to do is provide the space, the tools, and especially the understanding and respect they need and deserve.
Following are a few of the many resources available to help you as you raise your amazing rascally boys. Enjoy!
Play by Stuart Brown M.D
The Power of Play by David Elkind Ph.D.
The Art of Roughhousing by Anthony DeBenedet, M.D and Lawrence J. Cohen, Ph.D
Boys: Changing the classroom, not the child by Daniel J Hodges
Earth, Water, Fire and Air by Walter Kraul
Last Child in the Woods by Richard Louv
Chants, Fingerplays and Stories compiled by Bev Bos and Michael Leeman

The Art of Teaching Responsibility

admin — Fri, 26 Mar 2010 21:07:40 +0000

Parenting is no easy task and one of the questions many parents have is in regards to children doing chores around the house. My belief is that you can start very early in a child’s life, however, it helps to understand a child’s capability and developmental age when assigning tasks. For instance, it’s perfectly OK for infants who are sitting and playing with a ball to put it in the basket when done, or for a toddler to sweep up the cereal she spilt. Of course, at this age the adult works with the child and is modeling the appropriate behavior.

According to analytic theorist Erik Erikson preschoolers struggle to resolve the emotional conflict of initiative verses guilt. Children this age are still very ego-centric, and are developing a sense of self but are also developing an understanding that they are a part of a larger society (K. Berger: The Developing Person, 3^rd ed.). During this time children are full of energy and enthusiasm for purposeful work. When they are successful and/or their efforts are met with encouraging words from the adults in their lives they become more confident for the next attempt. Conversely, when they are unsuccessful and/or are criticized they struggle with feelings of guilt and are less likely to want to try again. Giving children tasks that are important and meaningful allows them the opportunity to build confidence as well as develop new skills.

Karin Klein, Administrator of Red Hill preschool in PA says that, “Every child who carries some consistent responsibilities around the house gains from the experience. The child who has jobs to do feels fore a part of the family. He feels important, even competent, and yes, bigger. Responsibilities help a child gain independence and self-reliance by learning to do a job and taking credit for it.” In fact studies have shown that taking on responsibility as a young child will help with success in later years. French scientist, M. Joussemet published one such study in the October 2005 issue of the Journal of Personality. In this study Joussemet measured the level of responsibility and autonomy given to 5 year olds by their mothers and the results showed that the children who were given more responsibility and autonomy were better adjusted 3 years later regardless of their socio-economic status, gender, or IQ and the children whose mothers supported their autonomy performed better on reading achievement tests. Joussemet also went on to state that the study showed that praise and rewards had no associative effect on adjustment in later years.

You can see that giving a child meaningful work has many positive rewards, but a child’s enthusiasm may wane as time goes on so it is a good idea to follow a few simple guidelines:

Always be encouraging…don’t criticize.
Work with them until they have learned the necessary skills to be successful at the chore.
Model positive behaviors.
Talk with children about the chores and allow them to give feedback.
Allow for natural and logical consequences: if they don’t put their toys away, they aren’t allowed to play with them the next time they want to.
No lectures or threats
Be consistent, children don’t do well when parents are indecisive
Remember you are the parent and the one in charge.

A Little Less “Good Job” if You Please!

admin — Mon, 25 Jan 2010 20:20:17 +0000

“Good Job;” we hear it wherever children are, whether at the park, school, store, or home. But what are we really saying when we toss those words out there to our children? Of course we all want our children to feel good about themselves, and when we say “good job” we are simply trying to accomplish this. But the things that build our sense of self worth don’t come so much from outward praise as from inner satisfaction. When a child makes their own bed, even though it’s catawampus they may still take pride in the work they did and see it as an accomplishment. Don’t cheapen it by saying good job and DON’T FIX IT. Le t the job itself be the reward. It’s important to give children lots of time and opportunity to do things for themselves without an adult stepping in to “help” or to praise.

Alfie Kohn, author of Punished by Rewards and Unconditional Parenting says;

“Good Job” is a remnant of an approach to psychology that reduces all of human life to behaviors that can be seen and measured. Unfortunately, this ignores the thoughts, feelings, and values that lie behind behaviors. For example, a child may share a snack with a friend as a way of attracting praise or a way a making sure the other child has enough to eat. Praise for sharing ignores these different motives. Worse, it actually promotes the less desirable motive by making children more likely to fish for praise in the future.

What kids…need is unconditional support, love with no strings attached. That’s not just different from praise—it’s the opposite of praise. ‘Good job’ is conditional. It means we’re offering attention and acknowledgement and approval for jumping through our hoops.

But the real problem isn’t that children expect to be praised…It’s that we’re tempted to take shortcuts, to manipulate kids with rewards instead of explaining and helping them to develop needed skills and good values.

So, what’s the alternative? That depends on the situation, but whatever we decide to say instead has to be offered in the context of genuine affection and love for who kids are rather than for what they’ve done. When unconditional support is present, ‘good job’ isn’t necessary; when it’s absent, ‘good job’ won’t help.”

~Alfie Kohn

I have to confess I am a former “good Job”er, but I began reading some of this research while in college and I had to admit that it made sense. So at Wellspring we simply say thank you to a child for the work they do. It’s simple…it’s respectful. Our goal is to help develop good morals and important skills needed so that children are prepared for future educational success and to equip them to fulfill God’s purpose in their lives. After all that is the best way to achieve a positive self-worth!

Show Your Soul!

admin — Mon, 18 Jan 2010 23:57:49 +0000

I love the new year! The hope and energy it brings…hope for better times and new beginnings. I know so many are glad to see 2009 go. There has been a lot of strife and struggle this past year and the economy is only part of it. Yet I feel a sense of excitement as we enter this new year! I am encouraged to see how we can gather together to help one another. We are not alone in our struggles. Even when we find our selves in need we still have something we can share with others.

I came upon this short essay by Clarissa Pinkola-Estes. She speaks so eloquently of what we each must remember and try to do.

Do Not Lose Heart

Ours is not the task of fixing the entire world all at once, but of stretching out to mend the part of the world that is within our reach. Any small, calm thing that one soul can do to help another soul, to assist some portion of this poor suffering world, will help immensely. It is not given to us to know which acts or by whom, will cause the critical mass to tip toward an enduring good. What is needed for dramatic change is an accumulation of acts, adding, adding to, adding more, continuing. We know that it does not take “everyone on Earth” to bring justice and peace, but only a small, determined group who will not give up during the first, second, or hundredth gale. One of the most calming and powerful actions you can do to intervene in a stormy world is to stand up and show your soul. Soul on deck shines like gold in dark times. The light of the soul throws sparks, can send up flares, builds signal fires, causes proper matters to catch fire. To display the lantern of soul in shadowy times like these—to be fierce and to show mercy toward others, both are acts of immense bravery and great necessity. Struggling souls catch light from other souls who are fully lit and willing to show it. If you would help to calm the tumult, this is one of the strongest things you can do.

My prayer is that we would not be afraid to show our souls and make a positive difference in these difficult times. May this day…week…year be filled with our bravery! Show your soul!

Blessings! Susan

May the Lord bless you and keep you;

May the Lord make His face shine upon you and be gracious to you;

May the Lord lift His countenance upon you, and give you peace.

~Numbers 6:24-26